Stuff That Happens
- You know, if Twilight does set a bad example, it's for teenage drivers. EYES ON THE GODDAMN ROAD!
- Huh. Bella has next to no respect for her mum. Awfully fond of her, though.
- Seriously, blatant plug for "The Host" aside, there's not a lot of room for mockery here. It's just a nice scene of a mother and daughter discussing her relationship.
- Oh thank you God, we're back to Charlie. Suddenly it's easier to make some jokes.
- "Glad you had fun"... Suuure you are Charlie. I mean your teenage daughter heading down to hot sultry beaches with her slightly creepy boyfriend, it's every proud papa's dream!
- Jacob Black, prank caller. Charlie should have told him he was 'arranging a funeral'. That'd've shown him.
- BLIMEY. Which guy is she in love with again?
- Sending a girl from concerned to pissed off in but a few moments. At home, we call that "Tomming Up".
- You know, you could tell him "Hey, Jacob, come round and pick me up, we'll go down to the beach and talk!" I'm just sayin' you got options.
- "I'm so glad you called me, Jake"... Seriously, I know it's probably a mark against me, but if I were Edward, I would be cutting the damn phone lines about know.
- "A safe place to talk"... yes, because if a werewolf and a vampire decide get into a scrap, witnesses will improve the situation dramatically.
- Yeah, she's totally getting out of the car! And they say she doesn't have a say in what she does.
- Okay, this fairly graphic description of a 16 year old boy is making me uncomfortable. When you consider the writer, it's a little bit too Lolita.
Stephanie Meyer, Cougar
- Oh... I can have fun with this section.
- And in theee Furry Cornaaar, the Muscles of Jack Russels, the Pug Slugger, the Terrier of Terror, Jacoooob Blaaaaack!
- In the Creepy Cornaaaar, The Biter, The Brooder, The Bruiser, The Potential Stalker, Edwaaaard Culllllen!
- Gentlemen, your task is to give your respective teams ammunition to argue about after the next movie, by showing who would be the more awesome boyfriend for Bella Swan!
- Are you ready? ARGUE!
- And Cullen opens with a reasonable proposal. Adult and Mature, playing to his strengths.
- But Black comes back with a passionate jibe. But will the overt racism invalidate it?
- Oooooh, and Cullen takes a swing with a reminder that he's already won Bella's girlish heart. Daaayum!
- And he follows it with a chance for Black to surrender! Has he worn Black down already?
- Oh, but the werewolf comes back with a low blow, reminding Cullen that he's technically dead!
- And now the vampire's falling back on the 'not in front of witnesses' gambit! Could this be the end?
- It looks like he's throwing in the towel...
- But the girlfriend forces him back in by being puzzled about what's going on!
- Black's seen an opening, and uses the girl to deliver a crushing "be honest to your girl" attack!
- And the vampire's begging, but nothing's stopping Jacob.
- Oh, it's all coming out now...
- Ooooh, "Was Not!"? Swing and a miss from the werewolf.
- And now it's just an agonising barrage of demands for honesty, and it's pretty clear who's going to crack...
- Oh, and a surprise result! Bella actually works out what's going on! This does not look good for our vampiric hero!
- Edward tries to make Jacob feel guilty, but Jacob responds with a devastating "She's a tough lady" defence, that leaves him reeling...
- Oh, and he's down! Using his own mind-reading against him, sophisticated technique from the young werewolf.
- Nice. Kick her boyfriend's ass using words and thoughts alone, and then do some light to moderate flirting. Mr Black, you are a classy guy.
- Yes, Edward's face was calm and patient after he'd just been humiliated. We call that a poker face.
- "To wrap around his big warm waist in a silent promise of acceptance and comfort." Now, I'd use that picture of Taylor Lautner again, but I find it makes me feel unacceptably inadequate. Go back and look at it if you've forgotten why.
- Edward, you're crossing the border into "car damaging" territory again. I mean, I understand, but I'm sure Patrick won't.
- Oh noes, the head's turned up. Well, I'm sure an overweight teacher is really a consideration for either of our two combatants.
- And Jacob leaves, a trail of being seriously cool following in his wake.
- Listen, I've read that Frost poem at the start of the book. It has no rhythm.
- "Screw the protecting me crap"? That's a lot of swearing; at least for this book.
- Alright, the plan to save her from a crashing plane? I'm pretty sure that's not how physics works.
- And with a little gambling on the outcome of the fight everyone wants to see, we leave this short but surprisingly active chapter.
Fantastically Atrocious Dialogue (and the actor/actress who'll be stuck with it)
"a key to a secret door where only kindred spirits could enter" - This isn't actually dialogue, but seriously, how could I pass this up?
The Infinite Swirling Madness of Bella Swan's Inner Monologue
"It felt like a sort of homesickness, this longing for a person who had sheltered me through my darkest night."
"The conversion that would make me a prisoner of my own thirst."
"He wasn't my Jacob when he wore it."
"Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd." - Looked dangerous? He and his mates took down a vampire with just their teeth!
"It was not entirely rational" - ... Sometimes it's made so easy for me.
The Unrelenting and Unbearable Tragedy that is Mike Newton
Mike had one hand on Ben's shoulder - Mike, it doesn't matter how badly Jacob beats up Edward, the absolute best you can hope for is that Bella switches to the other guy you're clearly intimidated by.
"I still say Jacob" - See, now you just seem pathetic.
My Take
Wow. That took so much longer to write up than I'd hoped. Actually finding targets for mockery was hard in this early stages. And then we got to a showdown between a werewolf and vampire, in which they just talk smack to each other, and I was away!
For a short chapter, this really moves the plot along well. We get the return of the second lead and main villain, a showdown between our male leads, a chance to see how Bella and Edward's relationship looks outside of the bizarre world that is Bella's head and a heightening of tensions among the supernatural critters. Not bad work for a shorter than average chapter.
This chapter captures a lot of the things I like about the franchise. We've seen some more of the problems with the vampire/werewolf tensions, which is my favourite part of this book (apart from making jokes about how insane teenagers are). It's clearly heading for disaster, for reasons which are both personal and instinctive, but which are getting in the way of what either side actually wants. If the two sides worked together, they could have taken Victoria apart. After all, when it comes to this issue, they all want the same thing:
- Victoria dead
- Bella safe
If I was writing the screenplay for this, I'd probably do a cutscene to the battle during Edward and Bella's note-passing. It does annoy me the way Bella's never awake and/or present for any of the cool scenes, like Werewolves hunting Vampires through the forests of North-West America, but I accept that that's not the focus of the book, and that having Clumsy McFallover survive that would strain credibility a little.
The other thing I rather like is that there's some wonderful family moments in this thing between Bella and her parents. Her mum, a. What's also noticeable is that she's thinking of the Cullens in the same manner. The minute she finds out that there's been trouble with the werewolves, she's worried about them. Say what you like about her and Edward's relationship, she's clearly running towards something, not away from it.
Finally, on pp. 63-64, there is a scene where Bella reminisces about spending time with Jacob. I want to be all cynical about it, but actually? It's sweet. I mean, it's just a lovely image of warmth and comfort and belonging. I actually got deja vu without the original vu. Shame it's about a completely different guy to the one she's supposedly in love with, but hey.
Anyway, so far, so good. But what did you think?
_______________________________________________________
This post was written on the understanding that when a werewolf and a vampire fight, it really shouldn't just be smack talk. Still fun, though.
_______________________________________________________
This review was written to the sounds of "Spoilin' for a Fight" by AC/DC and "Saturday Night's Alright for Fightin'" by Elton John.
No comments:
Post a Comment