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This review was done to a selection of music from Magnatune.com because Creative Commons licenced artists deserve support.
This also means that I can embed a player in articles without ever having to worry about the hassle of lawyeristas, even if something I write actually does become popular enough for them to care.
So now this section goes up ahead of the article, and you can click on it to listen to awesome music by people that get excited and make stuff! If you like the music, please give your support to Magnatune.com! And if you hate the music, you suck, but the pause button is right there!
Touch by Falling You
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Stuff That Happens
- Bella's future self-help book: "Solving your problems through surrendering your Humanity"
- All these awesome and interesting vampires, and only Cap'n Broodypants gets a team. I blame society.
- "Haven't you noticed yet, Bella, that Edward is just the teeniest bit prone to overreaction?" - Best. Character. In. The. Damn. Series.
- "A deranged vampire was stalking me" Look, you opened the window and let him... oh. You mean the other deranged vampire stalker.
- She's talking to magnets. Worse; she's arguing with magnets. Worse; she's losing.
- See, the magnets represent the vampire and the werewolf,. It's all subtle-like!
- Oh, that's right. The rogue vampire thing. Knew we'd get back to that pesky sub-plot again.
- Summary of Bella/Stephenie's description of Mike's mum; Hair, fingernails, shoes. Man, even the shallowest guy would have mentioned something that takes major surgery to change.- "Worked up about this Seattle thing" - Said thing being either a serial killer or the ultimate predator. Crazy over-protective parents.
- Awwww... Bella No-mates.
- You know, I have that reaction to flyers. I mean, for me it's discounts at bookstores, not running to meet the monster who has a crush on me, but... hole deep, stop digging.
- She's hungry for the woooolf...
- That piece of shit truck started first time? Clearly a sign.
- You know, it's not explicitly stated, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he'll be topless when they shoot the movie. Again. Which brings us to that picture again...
Gotcha! Equal opportunity exploitation FTW!
- Aww... Welcome home.
- Is it me, or does this description of Jacob scream 'eager puppy'?
- Time for Jacob to make his play for Bella's affections.
- Wait, what? Nothing to forgive? NOTHING? ...Ah, I see Jacob's got this covered.
- 'It hurt to have him angry with me' Well, maybe you shouldn't have dumped him for another guy then.
- I really want to see how Taylor Lautner handles that "double take". Two words. Blooper reel.
- For god's sake Bella, you told them that Alice can't predict them? Why not reveal all their secrets? "Emmet's got a glass jaw, Rosalie has a trick knee, oh, and Carlisle's allergic to beets.
- I think we've heard this story in the last chapter.
- "He sent it flying out a good hundred meters into the bay" Show-off.
- Sure "Sam"'s mad at her. Absolutely. Because she betrayed "Sam".
- See, even Bella's not buying this.
- "Is that what this comes down to? Good looks?" - Oh, please. If it was about good looks, there wouldn't even be a Team Edward at this point.
- *sigh* There's going to be a fight, isn't there.
Fantastically Atrocious Dialogue (and the actor/actress who'll be stuck with it)
"Look after my heart - I've left with you" - Robert Pattinson (who I can only hope delivers this line as if he was a member of the Backstreet Boys)
"What I am was born in me. It's a part of who I am, who my family is, who we all are as a tribe - it's the reason why we're still here." -Taylor Lautner
"And I never claimed to be normal. Just human."-Taylor Lautner
The Infinite Swirling Madness of Bella Swan's Inner Monologue
"Edward had promised that he would change me himself whenever I wanted... just as long as I was married to him first... the one condition that I would have trouble accepting" - Turning you into his eternal undead life partner, fine. But commitment, that's a problem. Oh Bella... You're so adorably crazy.
"I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time."
"Maybe I was developing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder"
"Impending Mania, maybe?" Oh sweetie. There's nothing impending about this.
"I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing" - So instead, she intends to defy the laws of reality itself, in a metaphor that couldn't be more obvious if one of the magnets had fangs and brooding eyes and the other fur and pecs.
The Unrelenting and Unbearable Tragedy that is Mike Newton
"That's not fair, mom." - His own mother just denied him the chance to spend time with the girl he likes. And he whined at her. I don't think Mike could be more pitiable at this point.
"I guess I'm stuck with Mike Newton" - Whaddya know? Spoke too soon.
"You're not as human as Mike. Do you still think that's the most important consideration?" - You know, you create these sections on a whim, and you don't realise how hard the author's working to fill them.
My Take
I've worked out that it'll be a lot more sensible to do any kind of 'reasoned analysis' at the end of four chapters from now on, not least because I can probably get the jokey sections finished a lot more reliably to time. And also because I find my own opinions come through so much better after having read a "scurvekano-brand rant". So from now on, this section's being shifted to its own post. Which I fully intend to get written up next weekend.
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This chapter was written in the sure and certain knowledge that Wild Things is a classic piece of cheap B-movie cinema, and that Stephenie Meyer was once cheated on by a guy named Mike Newton.
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