Stephanie Meyer (whom I shall demean by referring to her henceforth by her initials) may be a genius. and her works the most underrated insights on the trauma of adolesence yet put to page. Or she may be a sad and lonely woman who has never known love and is incapable of adequately describing it. Or both.
I’m not entirely sure how to go about this: Tom seems to be taking a chapter-by-chapter approach, making jokes as he goes but staying fundamentally good-natured. I love that about him- although it does irritate the hell out of me sometimes. He always tries to be fair. And so do I. It’s just I fail more often, because I get passionate about bullshit- things I like receive the wholesome fellatio of the earnest fanboy and things I don’t like…
Well, they get put in the file marked “Blind Animal Rage”.
Guess where this one is going?
Anyway, whereas Tom is discussing each chapter in turn, I am eager to get this whole messy business over with sooner rather than later, so I’m going to be summarising ever hundred pages or so- about four chapters. So this part will conveniently cover chapters 1-4, during which the following shit went down:
-Bella is upset she can’t see her friend Jacob for fear of causing a war between the Garou and the Camarilla- sorry, the Blacks and the Cullens.
-Charlie wants her to go see Jacob, ‘cause he hates Edward.
-Jacob doesn’t want to see Bella, ‘cause he hates Edward.
-Patrick gets very angry and punches his keyboard, ‘cause he hates Edward
-Edward, who does indeed spend part of this chapter hating himself, therefore giving it perfect symmetry, is dead set against Bella seeing Jacob, ‘cause he’s a jealous prick and only he is allowed to endanger her wellbeing.
-Edward takes Bella to Florida because the evil vampire, Anne Rice- sorry, Victoria (sadly NOT Seras Victoria… sigh) is out to kill her. He doesn’t tell Bella this.
-Jacob contacts Bella to make sure she’s not been made into an B negative smoothie and asks to meet Bella at school.
-Edward and Jacob compare dick size- I mean “have a confrontation”. Which apparently consists of… talking. Anyway, Jacob reveals that Edward has lied to Bella to “protect her”- which, incidentally, is the rallying cry of abusive boyfriends the world over. Along with “you’ll never find anyone else to love”, which may or may not come later. I hope it does, ‘cause then SM’s failure will be complete.
-Bella forgives him because… he’s pretty? I mean, come on! I don’t forgive Halle Berry for starring in Catwoman, how come he gets off the hook?
-Bella goes and sees Jacob anyway, even though she knows it will piss Edward off. They renew their friendship, and the fourth chapter ends with Bella happy that she and Jacob are friends again.
So nothing terribly exciting has happened yet, besides Bella resuming her friendship with Jacob and thereby undoing a key plot point of New Moon. So rather than analysing the plot I thought I’d give some of my impressions of the lead characters so far.
Bella “It’s all about ME” Swan
“Far away from my memories of the people who care if I live or die”
-Muse, “Starlight”
Bella is despicable. She is phenomenally selfish and self-absorbed. She brushes aside her father’s concern for her wellbeing, she plans to cut out her friends and family as soon as possible without giving the slightest thought for their feelings. She has no interest in using the thoughtful- and expensive- gift of plane tickets to see her mother that the Cullens have prepared for her. She is fabulously pretentious, even for a teenage girl- casually reading Wuthering Heights over dinner, (and even more casually comparing it to her own relationship) instead of talking to her father. Her over-the-top descriptions of Edward as her “personal miracle” and “the most perfect person ever” confirm she is in love with an ideal rather than a man. She is inexplicably popular, despite being sullen, withdrawn, antisocial and obsessed with her boyfriend and his family- oh, and the fact she is going to ABANDON ALL HER FRIENDS ONCE SHE BECOMES A MURDEROUS FIEND OF THE NIGHT! She holds her family in contempt- referring to them usually by their first names (is that an American thing? I don’t know…), ignoring her father’s fully justified misgivings about her boyfriend and commenting at length about how much more intelligent and mature she is than her mother. She’s a monster. She’s Stephanie Meyer’s revenge given terrible form, a spiteful black Erinys taking her wrath on anything and everything that ever wronged her: her school friends, her peers, her boyfriends and her family.
That’s one interpretation.
The other is that she’s- shock horror!- a teenage girl.
That means giving SM more credit than is usual, but she was once a teenage girl and probably has more insight into the condition than I. On this reading Bella’s faults become more understandable and more recognisably human: the self-absorption, the shabby treatment of her parents, her lack of confidence in her looks despite al evidence to the contrary, her sense that she knows better than all the world, her conviction that her first crush is the most perfect love ever known by man. All are aspects of the teen condition that most of us grow out of.
This approach actually explains many of the books faults, from its god-awful purple prose to its everything-is-life-or-death histrionics. Maybe it’s how it should be read, and maybe its how its core fanbase, who are (I hope I am not reaching too far here) mostly adolescent girls. They can identify with Bella and her feeling, see in the first person narrative a reflection of their own feelings. Much like any entertainment marketed at teenagers- Buffy, Linkin Park and, uh, Hollyoaks- Bella is a comfort to all those who feel they are alone and misunderstood, an example they can point to and realise that their feelings are universal.
The problem comes from those outside this demographic, for whom Bella is as abhorrent as Funeral For My Nine Inch Chemical Valentine, for much the same reason: we don’t get it. We see the angst and the anger and the selfishness and we see a monster, because we don’t want to be seen that way anymore. We want to put the teenage monster behind us and pretend that we were never like Bella. We don’t like the reflection that she casts upon our own souls.
Okay, maybe SM has gone too far in making Bella unlikeable. I still despise her, but maybe I’m the unlucky one. The grown up fan of Twilight can look at her and see what they once were, as well as all the insecurities that they still possess. They have come to terms with their own Bella Swans. I lack the courage to do the same. A beast she must remain, for that is the only way I am prepared to tackle her.
That and she has terrible taste in men.
Edward “I love you so much I must control your every movement” Cullen
“Another love I would abuse, no circumstances could excuse.”
-Placebo, “Every Me and Every You”
“Die monster! You don't belong in this world!... Your words are as empty as your soul!”
“What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets!”
-Richter Belmont and Dracula, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
Edward is also profoundly unlikeable. Admittedly he is described from Bella’s perspective and a degree of bias is inevitable, but it is obvious that we are meant to take his attractiveness on faith. He is profoundly controlling, especially regarding Bella’s desire to see her friend Jacob.
Now in Edward’s defense Jacob a) is a werewolf and b) clearly fancies the pants off Bella. But that does not make the way he tries to prevent her from seeing her friend acceptable. Relationships are based on trust, and it is apparent that Edward does not trust his girlfriend.
Maybe he can’t: with everyone else he can guess their intent instantly. He doesn’t need to trust anyone, because he can instantly know their thoughts. Since he has never learned to trust he is incapable of simply letting Bella be: he must control her, he must observe her actions and when that is impossible he must employ a clairvoyant to monitor her.
So if he can’t trust her, he must control her. SM presents this as his “protective nature”, but it just seems sinister and creepy. To “protect” Bella, he lies to her. He uses emotional blackmail. He threatens her. He sabotages her car. And he doesn’t tell her the reasons why until he is forced to by Jacob.
Edward is an abusive boyfriend, and unlike Bella I can’t think of any alternate character interpretation to excuse him. Bella’s teenage lust for him may blind her to this, because she forgives him. He doesn’t seek forgiveness, and certainly doesn’t deserve it, but he gets it. For no reason, as far as I can tell, other than because she loves him.
Does she?
Jacob “I’ll show you where the real Stephanie’s body was hidden!” Black.
“I smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found,
And I'm hungry like the wolf.”
-Duran Duran, “Hungry Like The Wolf”
I love Jacob. He is, in every way, a more attractive alternative to Edward. He is vibrant, fun-loving and honest where Edward is dull, withdrawn and deceptive. He and Bella share a connection, and common interests that just doesn’t come up in the alpha couple. And, lest we forget, he was there for her when Edward wasn’t in New Moon.
Yes, he’s a werewolf. But lets stop and analyse that- are werewolves as bad as vampires in the Twilight universe (Twiverse?)? Okay, in New Moon one of the doggies tried to attack Bella. And okay, the chief’s- girlfriend.. whatever… got scarred. But thus far no one has actually been killed by one to our knowledge. Compare this with the trio of evil vampires who ran amok in the first book, threatening Bella herself. Or with the Importanti, who threatened to kill her and have now insisted she become a vampire- which may be a death sentence, depending on one’s point of view- Edward seems to think so. And lets not forget the Cullens, at least one of whom- the one that looks like an epileptic hobbit in the film- has tried to kill Bella. Oh, and Edward himself has admitted that he has killed in the past and that he longs to drink Bella’s blood “like cherry pop!”. Jacob meanwhile has… umm, been her friend and killed… no one. So how is being a werewolf worse?
It might be responded that Bella doesn’t feel for Jacob they way he feels for her or she feels for Edward. I am really not sure she truly does love Edward, but I’ll discuss that next- suffice to say her attraction to Edward seems primarily physical, and she has shown every sign that she finds Jacob as attractive physically. More to the point they share a foundation for a relationship that I just can’t detect in the Bella Edward (Edla?) pairing.
In addition being more attractive than our protagonist, I have come to suspect that Jacob- indeed, all the werewolves- represent the part of SMs mind that that still possesses sanity, the part that rages against her mad desire to represent Sid and Nancy’s lobotomised kids as a model romance. Because every comment he makes on their relationship seems to be a criticism made on my behalf- as if I myself was in the story, pointing out to Bella just how dumb this whole thing is. He wonders why she would go back to Edward despite all the pain he has caused her. He points out Edward is over-protective. That he lies to her. That they have nothing in common. That she doesn’t have a life outside her boyfriend. And all the other myriad ways their relationship simply shouldn’t work.
Which is why Jacob is going to suffer before this thing is over.
He’s in the way of Bella and Edward’s One True Final Full Stop Never To Be Repeated Love, sure. But he also represents someone for the audience to side with against Edward. So he needs to be paired off, killed off, neutered or put on a bus soon, because his very normality undermines the believability of the alpha pair. More importantly, since mush of what he says appears to represent the opinions of Twilight’s critics, he has to be discredited. Which I suspect means character derailment. My suspicion is that Jacob is going to become more and more of a tosser as the book goes on to make Edward’s cockjockery less repellent by comparison.
Tom’s right: a werewolf shouldn’t be the healthy option. But he’s certainly emerging as the healthier option.
The Banality of “True Love”
-Avantasia, “I Don’t Believe In Your Love”
“I know it's not love. It's obsession. Selfish, banal obsession... If you cared at all about him, you'd help me save him, rather than wittering on about your feelings”.
-Rupert Giles, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered”
Now it might be that this is explained in an earlier book, but it wasn’t really covered in the films so I am forced to ask: what attracts Bella and Edward to each other?
It’s hard to tell I Edward’s case, since the book is from Bella’s perspective. The implication is that his primary interest is that he cannot read Bella’s thoughts. Ss such he has to learn what sort of person she is the old fashioned way, by talking to her. Y’know, like the rest of us have to!
For Bella’s part, her physical attraction to Edward is obvious- SM goes into excruciating detail about how beautiful this Nosferatu Adonis is. The fact that she also emphasises how could and lifeless his body is- something that would personally put me off for fear of seeming a necrophiliac- is irrelevant: the audience just has to accept Edward’s yumminess. But beyond that, what does she see in him? What are their shared interests? Posing? Reading pretentious literature? Going to Muse concerts? Being in mortal danger? Suicidal tendencies? What is it that they do together? Do they share an outlook on live beyond contempt for those around them?
Enter Jacob, who calls Bella out on this and asks what she sees in Edward. To which she replies that he’s the most perfect and brilliant and unselfish person ever- he’s like Brad Pitt, Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa and Chuck Norris rolled into one incredibly shaggable package. When Jacob presses the issue, she responds by insulting him. It’s like SM is aware there is nothing connecting these two, but just shrugs it off because their love is so perfect it just happens without needing to make sense.
In the end the whole love affair, the glorious forever intended to eclipse the great romances of the past- Romeo and Juliet, Heathcliffe and Cathy, Xena and Gabrielle- just comes across as a shallow teen obsession based primarily on looks and a feeling of exclusion. It’s two Goths getting together to hate stuff. And in SMs defence, she portrays the self-righteousness, the please-take-me-seriously-ness and the end of the world I-cannot-go-on-without them melodrama of the teen crush perfectly. Bella is so over-the-top in describing her love, and how in love she is, without examining how practical it is.
That’s how teenagers are- they take themselves and their feelings much too seriously. And that is where I must conclude- sadly, for I have no desire to insult the woman- conclude that Stephanie Meyer simply has never been in love. Because love doesn’t work like that. Not real love- the teenage obsession of Twilight passes, and we move on, but SM is determined to present such a vapid, shallow and mutually destructive affair as the real thing, as a something to aspire to.
And that’s not as funny as I thought it would be.
It’s actually very sad.
Wallbangers
The following are the points where I physically threw the book at a wall.
#1: pp.29-30. Edward’s emotional blackmail and threats.
When Bella expresses her desire to see Jacob, Edward tries to stop her by saying he doesn’t want her to do anything dangerous. He says, in effect, that if she loves him she must do as he says. That is classic emotional blackmail, the tool of the abusive spouse. When she continues to assert her desire, he ominously threatens to “stop her”. And Bella admits that he could. So in effect he has just threatened to forcibly stop his girlfriend from going to see her friend. And she has been cowed: when she does go to see him, she is constantly afraid that Edward will find out. In #3, he actually does stop her, physically. Moving on…
#2: pp.47-8 Bella manipulates her father.
Charlie objects to Edward going to Florida with Bella. And I must say I completely side with Charlie: her relationship has caused her to break a leg, go comatose for months whilst enduring nightmares and attempt suicide. And this is just the stuff Charlie knows about- the stuff besides the vampires and shit. As far as I am concerned he has every right to see an immediate and permanent end to the relationship that is clearly inflicting real emotional and physical harm on his daughter. When he objects, Bella threatens to leave home and appeal to her mother’s parental authority. That is just low.
And Charlie backs down.
As far as I am concerned Charlie is totally in the right- okay, so he has no legal authority other his adult daughter, but her lack of any consideration for his feelings is staggering. There is no way this would happen in real life. And the fact that Charlie backs down seems to imply that he is intended to be the villain of the piece. Are we supposed to side with Bella? Because I didn’t. Okay, so the melodrama and spiteful emotions are classic teen- she’s only a short step from exclaiming “you’re not my real dad!”- but SM portrays them as if it’s okay. It’s normal, even understandable, but it isn’t right.
#3: pp.55-58. Edward does indeed “stop” Bella from seeing Jacob.
In fact, he sabotages her car.
Because he knew she would try something because his clairvoyant “sister” told him so.
Let’s go over this one again.
Edward, aware that he cannot watch Bella all the time HAS A PSYCHIC WATCH HIS GIRFRIEND’S MOVEMENTS. When said psychic tells Edward she is going to see another man, he SABOTAGES HER CAR! ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR?!?!?! Christ, I would expect that sort of behaviour from serial killers!
And the worst part is she forgives him.
‘cause he’s pretty.
…
No, really.
He says if she doesn’t want to see him later, she should close her window. Which she does. But then she remembers how super-duper in love with him he is and she opens it again.
Okay, you’re a creepy bastard, and you’re an idiot. I’m beginning to think you deserve each other.
It is later revealed that he was actually trying to protect Bella from Victoria and didn’t want her going outside, but the way he tries to intimidate Bella is frankly fucked up. And it is up to Jacob, once again, to be the voice of reason: why didn’t you just tell her instead of lying to her? To which Edward replies, “Umm, ‘cause”.
…
Geez, I haven’t even covered how bad the writing is.
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